Melting Your Head, Face, and Mind
Not to mention your Heart and Soul
Continuing with the momentous moments of 2024. Let’s hope they slow down a bit.
The flotsam and jetsam of a life bob and float and for a time sink out of sight. Currents will bring them back into view and sometimes the light shines on them differently. Other times, like an iceberg, what has been submerged is so much larger than you expected.
In brief, I met a queer woman in 2003 and we married in 2005. She sometimes described her sexuality to me as fluid. She had been married to a man in America and had two kids with him. She met a woman at a festival and left her marriage, moved to Australia, and had a ‘rainbow baby with her. That fell apart and not too long after that, we met on eBay looking for Rolling Stones tickets.
I loved her big time. Her past and her fears (as were mine) were all on display at the start of our relationship. During our first weeks in bed getting close and sharing all, we had virtual whiteboard discussions about putting our families together. The risks, the fears, the consequences, and the love that we could give our kids and each other. We both believed we could make this work. Even if it was downright scary, we moved ahead.
Two things that mattered to me the most were honesty and longevity. Neither of those can be guaranteed in any relationship because people change. But with love and desire, you must have a large element of faith. Faith in the unknown and acceptance of what each other needed. Honesty took a hit and we were both guilty at times.
We led busy lives with six kids coming and going to a variety of ex’s households and you needed a spreadsheet at times to know who was going where and when. We had our difficulties and at one juncture around 2015, we were about to split. My wife was still uncertain about her sexual identity, and I fought to keep the marriage alive. This seemed to be a constant battle over the next few years, and we went to therapy several times.
We stopped living together in early 2019 and divorced a bit later.
She is now re-married to a woman.
As I said earlier, things resurface. Someone else said to me the truth always comes out.
During our relationship, my ex-wife had questioned her ability to stay in a heterosexual relationship and we talked about it. Unfortunately, there were things that I did not know about.
I did have paranoia and I did question at times if there was someone else or something going on.
Frequently I asked about about text messages and chatting which seemed to me to have a particular energy about it. Call me sensitive. Call me aware. Maybe, call me stupid. None of what is about to be revealed was mentioned in our therapy sessions.
I received a text message about a week ago, early in the morning, asking if she could speak to me. My ex-partner is a psychologist and she called to tell me she had acted inappropriately with a client. She told me this in an abbreviated high level and that she was calling to tell me because it was going to be in the newspapers.
She was calling to apologise.
She also stated that the papers had beaten the story up and the dates and times and activities mentioned were not all factual. I was sympathetic and kind. I don’t think she expected that. My reaction was one of care but I still did not have all the details.
The report from the body that looks after complaints to health professionals in Australia has now become public. More detail, more dates, and more information to mull over. In any legal case, the facts are going to be disputed, but there was so much information to digest from the hearings and decision.
What is fact and what is legal maneuvering to ensure the best outcome is left for the reader to decipher.
Who and what am I to believe? I can only go with the outcome of the decision to remove her ability to practice as a psychologist for one year as proof that something went down and I knew nothing of it.
Of course, I did not want to revisit the pain and break up of that relationship. Who would want to when you thought all the emotions and reasons were put to bed? We had settled our affairs and moved on with what I believed were the facts of our relationship. I had made my mistakes too, let’s make that clear.
But shit, this was an affair that began with a client and went on for over 6 years.
I do not want to go into the details, but in short, I was lied to and gaslit for quite some time. The questioning of my awareness and sanity nearly drove me mad. I know my friends, past and present, heard my stories, and felt my pain. Jesus, I thank them dearly for putting up with all of that.
The depth of being lied to for that length of time is shocking. Telling me in a message when I asked her if there was someone else and her saying, “I am not that fucked up!” made me cry, not just for me, but for all of us.
I know if I had known of her affair things would have taken a different turn over our last few years. My fight would have lost some of its power.
After reading the news articles and full report, I can more comfortably put that time of my life to bed.
The shift for me is that I was validated by what I felt during our marriage. It does not make me feel happy that my ex’s life has been turned topsy-turvy. I feel for her. We did an excellent job raising our children and I look at that with a positive feeling.
I feel for my children. Hoping that the facts and details that are in the full report do not have to enter their consciousness. It is in the public domain now so what will be will be.
They have seen the news in the papers. I have spoken to them to check on their pulse and feelings. Like me, they will have to digest the information and accept it for what it is. I hope it causes them no suffering.
We all make mistakes. I don’t regret the marriage, the kid we shared, or the time we had together. The scab has been picked at and the pain comes back because of a secret. This fact may have changed the course of things earlier. Lies of omission are sometimes okay, but not in this case.
It’s all part of the journey. We learn. We evolve. And we try not to make the same mistakes over and over and over….
