It Will All Be Fine
Or it won't-The Heart Chronicles #3
A valve is coming my way very soon. Everyone seems to know someone who has had a heart procedure. The mantras I hear: you’ll be alright, you got this and they do this all the time.
Someone I know felt these valve jobs were so common it was like a sausage factory. I understood what they meant regarding it being like an assembly line of bad meat production. Looking at the definition of that term it can mean other things such as:
As an unsettling metaphor, the sausage factory reminds us that industrial production, particularly in the context of low-wage labour and unsafe working conditions, does consume people, often in physically palpable ways.
That has nothing to do with Open Heart Surgery because the person doing the work on me is not on a low wage and I believe they love their work. Sitting and talking about being a surgeon recently, I know that there is no way that work would ever have suited me. I am not that smart and I have a hard enough time putting IKEA furniture together.
My surgeon, Pedro, is flying back to Australia from the US shortly and I do hope he will be over his jetlag and has settled back into home life in Melbourne. I want him rested, happy and cheerful and focused. I am confident and secure in the knowledge that my medical team have done hundreds of these procedures at the very least.
Reassurances are sweet and people are kind. I don’t want to talk about or linger on the 1% chance that I may not be writing, loving, laughing, or breathing again.
So let’s make that clear… it will all be fine.
Tina asked me if I had watched someone perform this surgery online. No way, Jose. I cannot watch anything like that in comfort so that is not on my to-do list before 7 May. I am eager to commence my recovery. There is no need to ponder the surgery because I will be unconscious. I don’t want to imagine the sound of the saw as it inches into my sternum nor to hear the sound of the pump keeping me alive while they give me a new valve.
Drugs will paralyse me to keep me still and others will ensure I am down deep in the world of anesthesia. The moments I will not recall are the scenes that scare me the most. I will be at my most vulnerable with hands in my chest.
That is something I had hoped never to write.
But they do this all the time.
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We have been relaxing and enjoying nature for almost a week now. It’s nice to just “be” with the flora and the fauna and Tina. Fish Creek and Wilson’s Promontory is medicine for the entire being.
When you love someone like I do Tina you worry more how they will cope with seeing me in ICU and also how she will deal with me recovering. This is a new hurdle for us as a couple. Our (almost) 4 years together has been filled with laughter and joy and love. There have been some difficult times but nothing that has challenged our care for each other.
My will and my medical directives are all in place. Let’s hope those are just plans for sometime much further in the future. I don’t ever want to be a burden on anyone and I do believe I will come out the other side feeling healthier.
I hear they do this every day.
Recovery will be a minefield of emotions and healing that will truly test me. The unknown pain and known physical limitations over the weeks will be a struggle for me as I am not someone who is built for sitting around resting.
My goal is to follow the recovery plan as outlined by my medical team and push myself a little bit more each day to ensure I am up and back to being me as soon as I can. Some of you know me well enough to know that I am a bit of a klutz. Let’s hope body memories or ingrained movements can be controlled so I do not pop the cables out of my sternum. I will have to control my reflexes and think of my upper body as being in a state of tai chi. I am sure many of you cannot imagine me moving slowly.
Symptoms have developed over the last 2 weeks that I had not noticed before. Climbing hills while walking here at the Prom and exerting myself have impacted my breathing. Sometimes I get a slight tightness in my chest and I am a bit breathless when I walk and talk at the same time. I might throw chewing gum into the mix and see how that goes.
My body is giving me some information and I am taking it on as a time to slow down and relax and be as calm and positive as I can heading into the operating theatre. It is time for the surgery and slowing down decreases the possibility of any medical emergency that would piss me off this close to the cutting day. No over exertion.
We have met some sweet people on our Wilson’s Prom Journey. Lucy and Gonzo who run the Art Camp where we glamped or camped in a wonderfully appointed tent. You could cook in the tent on a snazzy little stove or there was a communal cooking space outdoors. This marvellous couple run this space as a retreat for artists and the inspiration you get being on the land there runs deep.
Tina,Lucy, and Gonzo ended up having quite a few friends in common. This was all revealed as we communed under the stars with their kids, some food, wine, beer, and conversation. The joy of community and connection. It is simple but some people take it for granted. For me, I always find it magical to make new friends and I hope we get to catch up with them again down the road.
There was one other funny synchronicty that made me laugh. There were 2 young cows on the property who were constantly around our tent munching on the grass nearby. You would wake in the morning and Pedro and Corazon would be there to say good morning.
Corazon means heart and Pedro is the name of my surgeon. I took that as a very good omen.
4 nights in a tent was enough for us and we headed to the comfort of another Air BNB situation here in Fish Creek. Ensconced in this modern glass house we are warm and content and enjoying an amazing view. Hugging, cuddling and just being together doing normal things without interruption is comforting.
Having Tina lay across my chest and holding her is something I take for granted and now I know it will not happen for some months. We will find other positions and potions to make the recovery period pass.
I do wonder how I will deal with sneezing and coughing. You get a heart pillow to hug when these things occur.
Most of all I am concerned about laughter. Tina and I laugh a whole bunch. Maybe things won’t be as humorous as the sternum mends. I am hoping I don’t behave like a cunty patient. Breathe and focus on not being that person. Hold kindness in my heart for all around me and the healing process. Breathe.
More to come on that as the weeks progress and I will be writing or coming on here for some video updates.
The Heart Chronicles may take up a bit of space on my page for a wee bit.
But they tell me they do this all the time and it will all be fine.
Somewhere out there in the world tonight
Just out of my reach
I hear your heart beat
It's comin' in loud and clear tonight
Poundin' in my brain
It's callin' out your name
In the darkness something binds you to me
So that I can find you
When you want me
I will be there
Waiting on you
Somewhere out there
Somewhere in there, in your heart tonight
Where I have never gone
You are not alone
And it's tearing me all apart alright
But girl what can I do
When I'm so far from you
And when I lay me down to sleep
My one and only prayer is you'll keep
Safe from harm until I get
Wherever you are
Somewhere out there
If you're sad, if you're lonely
If you're scared, if you're only
Tired of fightin'
Seekin' shelter
Just hold on I'm
Somewhere out there
Somewhere out there in the world tonight
Just out of your reach
You'll hear my heart beat-Steve Earle
Fish Creek-Art Camp-Link to Air BNB Below
It will be scary, it will be okay though, it will be a bit ouchy and rather inconvenient for a bit, but………. It will all be fine.
Much love,
PB
❤️
PB