Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
- Mark Twain
Forgiveness.
Have you ever had to forgive someone?
Have you been granted the grace of forgiveness?
Are you waiting for someone to forgive you for something that you have done or failed to do?
Are you pondering whether you should forgive someone?
Or even sometimes someone might be displeased with you, and you have no idea what has caused it. This may not come up very often, but it is one of two issues I am struggling with.
Sometimes you must write about the moments in your life that aren’t full of joy and laughter.
This is one of those times.
If you were hoping for more music and hilarity, you may want to look away.
Do you have anyone in your life that has decided the easiest way to deal with you is to stop communicating with you?
I have 2 people who have taken this option with me. My son, Zac, and my brother, Jay.
My son, I let down. I know that and own it.
He had made a cry for help and when it occurred I did not operate from my heart. I let my intellect get in the way because there were issues between my ex and myself.
As a dad, you run to your children when they call. Â
Seriously, anyone that knows me understands that I normally lead from the heart.
 I fucked up.
This was Christmas 2019, and my son will not let me into his life. He won’t respond to my outreach, and I don’t want to put him and his wife and my granddaughter in a position of turning me away if I showed up at his door.Â
I have apologised but forgiveness is not forthcoming.
All I can do is reach out periodically via email or text and ask him if he would like to put this behind us and find a way forward.
Silence is all that I get.
My eldest brother lives here in Australia. He stopped talking to me just over a year ago when things went awry at a music festival. The only thing I am aware of that went wrong at the festival we were at is that he did not get any party drugs. If I did anything else wrong, he would not tell me on the day or on a phone call we had a couple of days later.
It’s a mystery to me how someone can be so angry and not allow there to be a conversation over the matter. All he could do was talk over me and let me know he was happy that I was out of his life.
How do you work that one out? Â
I analysed my festival behaviour and asked my friends and no one in attendance can understand why he was so angry at me. He was so furious he refused to drive me and my mate home from the festival. He was our ride. Whatever, we got home.
His wife had split because of a bad back and all I can think of is maybe I did not give him enough attention when I hung out with other people. Your guess is as good as mine.
In short, I would love forgiveness to flow from my son to me. This is something he must do, and I cannot force him to let me back into his life. Â He is an adult and as an adult, this is his decision.
I shed tears at the lost time I have with him and of course, being estranged from my granddaughter who does not know me at all.
With the split from my brother, there is an issue here because I have no idea how I wronged him. If he could not be adult enough to tell me what it was and talk to me, then there is nothing I can do.
But if this involves an apology, it must be over more than he didn’t get a pill.
When I first started writing I was going to go into deep detail, but there is no need to bore you with the long verses, I will just get to the chorus.
Things that I have learned from this is that you can own up to your behaviour and forgive yourself.
That is only part of the healing process.
Communication is the only true way to solve disagreements.
In this darkness, I am unable to resolve these issues on my own. If they have been wronged, and I totally let my son down, sitting down and talking would be such a sweet way to move forward.
I have forgiven myself for my behaviour towards my son. As far as the situation with my brother, he has not told me what his problem with me is. You would think at 74 he might want to have a discussion, but he has decided to go silent.
I care for my brother dearly, but this really seems juvenile to me.
Simply, I love them both. None of this is my choosing, so I can only wait until something changes.
Things always shift, so I hold out hope that something will. No one knows how many minutes they have remaining on this planet, and I would hate to leave my son with the knowledge that he could have reached out to me after I am no longer here.
With my brother, well we have both lived a good life, and if this makes him happy, well, who am I to interfere?
Family gatherings now seem to happen without me being invited. If the kids gather with family, my two ex-wives attend at times, but I am not invited because it will upset Zac.
My brother and his wife had a 50th wedding anniversary event recently and he stated he would not attend his party if I was going to be there. He had stated he would be civil at family gatherings. I guess he forgot that bit.
Things will shift. Right?
My focus will continue to be on love and connection. I hope everyone can join me.
Life is hard at times but I love every moment of it.
I'm tired of taking it out on you
Tired of needing to
Freeze my warmth away
Tear the tears out of your quiet face
I can't face the way I am with you
Or replace the bite I'm chewing through
Oh, I'm tired of taking it out on you
I crave crazy times again
Our nights, our nights would never end
I'm ashamed of who I am
I'm in pain, so I strive
To the nearest star
Street light over an idling car
Move across the seat
I'm gonna need
You to drive these last few miles
'Cause I'm tired of taking it out on you
Ooh
Ooh
Freeze my warmth away
Tear the tears out of your quiet face
I can't take the way I am with you
Or recreate things we used to do
I'm tired of taking it out on you
Ooh
Ooh
Ooh
I'm tired of taking it out on you